I was reading a friend's blog where she describes her quirks, the things she loves and loathes about herself.
So i have decided to do a bit of a download myself and see what this canvas presents.
My name is Trent
I love being Maori, i love playing the guitar but hate that im not as good as the music i know is inside of me.
I love John Mayer's music, and his personality.
I love old music that no one else knows, and i love finding people that know the same old songs i know.
I wish I could have been an All Black, Musician.
But love that i can be a follower of Christ.
I love and adore my parents, but am unable/unwilling to demonstrate it.
I love friends and worry they don't love me.
I am a romantic, the fibers so ingrained in my heart.
I have been heartbroken so many times.
I wouldn't trade that for the world
I have broken hearts, and i would cash all mine in for the healing of theirs.
I have loved unreservedly
Twice
I have not loved so since.
I feel i think to much
I think i don't feel enough
I take things too seriously
or too relaxed.
I'm obsessed with beauty in so many forms.
I am weak
But have been made strong, thousands of times before.
I have broken thousands more
I loved a girl, and never stopped
I became everything i hated
Twice
I am frail
I am strong
It seems I'm a paradox
I worry
I don't have all the answers, but want them
Theirs is music in me, greater than me, that i know needs to be released.
There is something brilliant in me, something powerful and wonderful, spectacular and horrifying inside.
There is a spark unlike any before it.
There is something different about me
I possess something great, and have a duty to all those around me, to let it shine so bright as to eclipse myself.
Till only he remains.
Im... confused
Im... a lover
Im... still confused
Monday, February 1, 2010
Tension
I learnt a painful lesson tonight, i learnt a lesson in humility, acceptance, debate, understanding, life, maturity and other things I'm sure.
My father and I had a fight tonight, probably the worst we have ever had.
He called me up on essentially not performing as a Christian, and I lost it, things got heated and I insulted him, possibly the worst way I could have.
I was so angry, i was shaking, i hated what he said, but even so i had over reacted and i needed to apologise, and i did, it took some encouragement from friends and some swallowing of humble pie for me.
But i did.
An interesting conversation ensued, im recording it now in the hopes that the lessons learnt here stay with me forever, reminding me that i have so much more to learn.
I apologised and Dad said to me
"Your mother and I just dont know whats wrong with you, you always seem so angry and grumpy"
"You seem like your carrying the world on your shoulders"
I agree with them, they dont know why, and thats a mutualistic fault i think, i believe that in this family, particularly between my mother and myself we refuse to engage on an intellectual level regarding nearly everything, life plans, beliefs, morals etc.
This is unhealthy as dialogue is key in order to understand the other persons stance, because arguments are not about winning but understanding and reasoning.
I know for myself that i would become self righteous and not want to engage with my mother, claiming that she was not engaging with me, whilst we were both guilty of it.
Dad also expressed his anger and mums about the lack of respect i show to them, and they are right, i am disresepctful and that was a hard pill to swallow, and its not their fault for reminding me that im disrespectful (although its not progressive) It is my fault, i am disrespectful to mum when she asks me to do something simple i dont do it.
As much as i watned to i couldnt defend my actions there, they were right and i am wrong.
Dad also spoke on about my responsiblity being to this family, and this is where i learnt the most tonight, his understanding was that my perceived 'activism' belonged inside this family (as my future ministry is to target Maori) but hes wrong.
This is where we differ, i have no responsibility to the world, but to God (although by extension the world)
I am perhaps interpreting the following scripture wrong, but the verse where Jesus speaks about a prophet having no honour in his own town.
That verse encouraged me, because i saw its evidence in this situation in my family i am a little cousin, thats my place in this whanau.
And as such my influence is little, i am without honour, without mana.
It is my time in places like Ngaruawahia that i hope to gain that honour and mana.
My responsibility is not to them, but to God.
The reason i learnt the most here was two fold, firstly Dad was operating from a standpoint of Christians are here to fix the world, where thats not the mentality we should hold, we are not rescuers, but instead just bringing our life boat alongside them in this ocean of a world, and holding close in a storm.
That is our duty, we are not the ocean liner picking up people (although sometimes we are both) we are those who will happily drown with those who have no one to drown with.
My dad doesnt agree or understand this, and this is where friction really occurs.
From the misunderstanding of what Christians are to do.
I hope i have learnt alot tonight. i hope i learnt how to respect my mother and my father tonight
My father and I had a fight tonight, probably the worst we have ever had.
He called me up on essentially not performing as a Christian, and I lost it, things got heated and I insulted him, possibly the worst way I could have.
I was so angry, i was shaking, i hated what he said, but even so i had over reacted and i needed to apologise, and i did, it took some encouragement from friends and some swallowing of humble pie for me.
But i did.
An interesting conversation ensued, im recording it now in the hopes that the lessons learnt here stay with me forever, reminding me that i have so much more to learn.
I apologised and Dad said to me
"Your mother and I just dont know whats wrong with you, you always seem so angry and grumpy"
"You seem like your carrying the world on your shoulders"
I agree with them, they dont know why, and thats a mutualistic fault i think, i believe that in this family, particularly between my mother and myself we refuse to engage on an intellectual level regarding nearly everything, life plans, beliefs, morals etc.
This is unhealthy as dialogue is key in order to understand the other persons stance, because arguments are not about winning but understanding and reasoning.
I know for myself that i would become self righteous and not want to engage with my mother, claiming that she was not engaging with me, whilst we were both guilty of it.
Dad also expressed his anger and mums about the lack of respect i show to them, and they are right, i am disresepctful and that was a hard pill to swallow, and its not their fault for reminding me that im disrespectful (although its not progressive) It is my fault, i am disrespectful to mum when she asks me to do something simple i dont do it.
As much as i watned to i couldnt defend my actions there, they were right and i am wrong.
Dad also spoke on about my responsiblity being to this family, and this is where i learnt the most tonight, his understanding was that my perceived 'activism' belonged inside this family (as my future ministry is to target Maori) but hes wrong.
This is where we differ, i have no responsibility to the world, but to God (although by extension the world)
I am perhaps interpreting the following scripture wrong, but the verse where Jesus speaks about a prophet having no honour in his own town.
That verse encouraged me, because i saw its evidence in this situation in my family i am a little cousin, thats my place in this whanau.
And as such my influence is little, i am without honour, without mana.
It is my time in places like Ngaruawahia that i hope to gain that honour and mana.
My responsibility is not to them, but to God.
The reason i learnt the most here was two fold, firstly Dad was operating from a standpoint of Christians are here to fix the world, where thats not the mentality we should hold, we are not rescuers, but instead just bringing our life boat alongside them in this ocean of a world, and holding close in a storm.
That is our duty, we are not the ocean liner picking up people (although sometimes we are both) we are those who will happily drown with those who have no one to drown with.
My dad doesnt agree or understand this, and this is where friction really occurs.
From the misunderstanding of what Christians are to do.
I hope i have learnt alot tonight. i hope i learnt how to respect my mother and my father tonight
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