Spiritual Discipline

Last night i had a conversation with one of my favourite people, the one and only Jenny "I'm so awesome" Chang.
We were i suppose just discussing where we both are in life at the moment, specifically how our relationship with God was/is going.
We came to the conclusion i think that both of us were in a place of flux, a fluid place where God was glaringly absent from our daily routine.

So we decided to endeavour to change this.
We needed some discipline, some routine to our relationship with God, we decided that every night we were going to read a chapter of Ecclesiastes write down our reflections and then pray to God specifically to ask him to direct us and also to ask him to ground us, whilst praying for other things also.

It was great for me, it gave me peace of mind and a positive feeling, one of accomplishment. A chapter a night might not seem like much and to be fair it isn't, but it wasn't about quantity for us, it was about dedication to God and doing something pro active concerning our relationship with God.

I also jotted down some thoughts about my plans for Ngaruawahia, re-establishing my drive essentially.
It was very calming to remember why I decided to follow God to Ngaruawahia.
To learn more about my culture, to eventually be able to turn self imposed negative stereotpyes on Maori youth into positives.
To have a life dedicated to God and his call, to have a life buried in prayer and scriptural study.

It was a good night, so for the next six days it will be more internal reflection, and a bit of fine tuning on our parts i think.

God is Good

America Trip Plan

So this is as far as i have gotten in my trip planning for America.

Sat 22 May 2010 at 19:15 Depart from AUCKLAND (INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL)
Sat 22 May 2010 at 12:15 Arrive at LOS ANGELES (TERMINAL 2)
Then
Sun 23 May 2010 at 06:00 Depart from LOS ANGELES (TERMINAL 7)
Sun 23 May 2010 at 09:23 Arrive at DENVER
And Then
Sun 23 May 2010 at 10:48 Depart from DENVER
Sun 23 May 2010 at 13:50 Arrive at LITTLE ROCK
CAMP!
Sun 25 July


So I have a huge gap, a month of travel before i leave on the 25th of August.

So far this is what i want to do in that time (list will be added to)

Visit my friend Christian OUTLAW (real last name) in Arkansas


Visit my friend Jamie Welch in Washington State


Visit Spiritual Father Stookey (or the Evan Stookey Experience) In LA


Other than that, I want to visit the Martin Luther King Memorial which is in Atlanta, Georgia.

I want to visit Mars Hill, and hear Rob Bell preach.
I want to travel to New Orleans and eat Cajun food, Soul Food, Corn Bread.
I want to hear Jazz and Blues in the French Quarter
Eat American BBQ
I want to see New York, Claire McColl says its a must see.
I want to experience the myriad of culture contained on this continent.
I cant wait for this world of intrigue.





Some other interesting aspects about America is the heavy involvement of Religion in politics, as far as my limited understanding goes Religion is far more cultural in the States, im really interested to see that dynamic because here in NZ barring Polynesian cultures Religion is very much a personal choice, and has very little influence on politics in this country.
I am also interested to observe race relations, political awareness of the average Joe.
And discover how red hot the line is between Republican and Democrat.

Im really excited about this trip, a chance to engage, collide with a different world. God is too good to me.

Torn

'Hold me, like the river Jordan, and i will then say to the you are my friend
-Michael Jackson

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.

My heart cries out, in desire and craving.
My head spins, as water trickles down a trembling face.
The hardwood of my heart creeks, churns, bends and warps
In the arms of an angel, warm and complete
My heart refuses to beat
As the heat of her love swirls
To the eager anticipation of a failing world

Stars shine in her eyes
Tears form in his
Memory fading of a fading bliss

I will cry and i will weep
As they walk away, to amber days
As the sunsets on a golden age

Lack Luster

I have not posted for a long time.
Possibly not a good idea, this blog is/was a good way to keep my thoughts in check but i haven't used it nearly as much as i would have liked.

I'm in a bit of a slump at this point, limbo essentially.
Between America and Ngaruawahia although progress is being made in those areas.
Nettie Holme the pastor of Te Whanau Putahi in Hamilton wants to meet with me, so i hope from that meeting i understand more about the church and the flames are reignited.
Also maybe a church member has a spare room for someone like me, hopefully?

Also i have just gotten off of the phone with a camp director in USA.
Which is a blessing in itself, i should be happier with my progress.

But im not, God has been evidently absent from my routine, from my study, from my mind and heart.
Although i have nothing to complain about in terms of circumstances at the moment.
I am unsettled, frustrated, contained.

I havent been praying, studying, encountering God.
I am constantly dissapointed in myself for that and its a hard reality to bear
I know there is healthy guilt and hurtful guilt.
I feel i have both but more of the latter.

I think its not enough to hope to encounter God, we must look to collide with him, read the bible, pray and search for him. not just wait.

Frustration

Inspired

I was reading a friend's blog where she describes her quirks, the things she loves and loathes about herself.
So i have decided to do a bit of a download myself and see what this canvas presents.

My name is Trent
I love being Maori, i love playing the guitar but hate that im not as good as the music i know is inside of me.
I love John Mayer's music, and his personality.
I love old music that no one else knows, and i love finding people that know the same old songs i know.
I wish I could have been an All Black, Musician.
But love that i can be a follower of Christ.
I love and adore my parents, but am unable/unwilling to demonstrate it.
I love friends and worry they don't love me.
I am a romantic, the fibers so ingrained in my heart.
I have been heartbroken so many times.
I wouldn't trade that for the world
I have broken hearts, and i would cash all mine in for the healing of theirs.
I have loved unreservedly
Twice
I have not loved so since.
I feel i think to much
I think i don't feel enough
I take things too seriously
or too relaxed.
I'm obsessed with beauty in so many forms.
I am weak
But have been made strong, thousands of times before.
I have broken thousands more
I loved a girl, and never stopped
I became everything i hated
Twice
I am frail
I am strong
It seems I'm a paradox
I worry
I don't have all the answers, but want them
Theirs is music in me, greater than me, that i know needs to be released.

There is something brilliant in me, something powerful and wonderful, spectacular and horrifying inside.
There is a spark unlike any before it.
There is something different about me
I possess something great, and have a duty to all those around me, to let it shine so bright as to eclipse myself.
Till only he remains.

Im... confused
Im... a lover
Im... still confused

Tension

I learnt a painful lesson tonight, i learnt a lesson in humility, acceptance, debate, understanding, life, maturity and other things I'm sure.
My father and I had a fight tonight, probably the worst we have ever had.
He called me up on essentially not performing as a Christian, and I lost it, things got heated and I insulted him, possibly the worst way I could have.

I was so angry, i was shaking, i hated what he said, but even so i had over reacted and i needed to apologise, and i did, it took some encouragement from friends and some swallowing of humble pie for me.

But i did.

An interesting conversation ensued, im recording it now in the hopes that the lessons learnt here stay with me forever, reminding me that i have so much more to learn.
I apologised and Dad said to me
"Your mother and I just dont know whats wrong with you, you always seem so angry and grumpy"
"You seem like your carrying the world on your shoulders"

I agree with them, they dont know why, and thats a mutualistic fault i think, i believe that in this family, particularly between my mother and myself we refuse to engage on an intellectual level regarding nearly everything, life plans, beliefs, morals etc.
This is unhealthy as dialogue is key in order to understand the other persons stance, because arguments are not about winning but understanding and reasoning.
I know for myself that i would become self righteous and not want to engage with my mother, claiming that she was not engaging with me, whilst we were both guilty of it.

Dad also expressed his anger and mums about the lack of respect i show to them, and they are right, i am disresepctful and that was a hard pill to swallow, and its not their fault for reminding me that im disrespectful (although its not progressive) It is my fault, i am disrespectful to mum when she asks me to do something simple i dont do it.
As much as i watned to i couldnt defend my actions there, they were right and i am wrong.

Dad also spoke on about my responsiblity being to this family, and this is where i learnt the most tonight, his understanding was that my perceived 'activism' belonged inside this family (as my future ministry is to target Maori) but hes wrong.
This is where we differ, i have no responsibility to the world, but to God (although by extension the world)
I am perhaps interpreting the following scripture wrong, but the verse where Jesus speaks about a prophet having no honour in his own town.
That verse encouraged me, because i saw its evidence in this situation in my family i am a little cousin, thats my place in this whanau.
And as such my influence is little, i am without honour, without mana.
It is my time in places like Ngaruawahia that i hope to gain that honour and mana.

My responsibility is not to them, but to God.

The reason i learnt the most here was two fold, firstly Dad was operating from a standpoint of Christians are here to fix the world, where thats not the mentality we should hold, we are not rescuers, but instead just bringing our life boat alongside them in this ocean of a world, and holding close in a storm.
That is our duty, we are not the ocean liner picking up people (although sometimes we are both) we are those who will happily drown with those who have no one to drown with.
My dad doesnt agree or understand this, and this is where friction really occurs.
From the misunderstanding of what Christians are to do.

I hope i have learnt alot tonight. i hope i learnt how to respect my mother and my father tonight

JFTH#1

This entry is probably as late as your going to get.
But here goes.

This last week (21st Jan) was a good one, many of the usual faces attended but we had two new members of the group this time. Luke and Caleb friends of Trent and Eddies came along for their first interaction with rough sleepers.
It started off very quietly this week, we didnt see many people out, it was not the best weather so we jsut decided to go walking.

Soon enough we came across our friend Fatboy, it was sad to see him on the streets as we had heard that he was being looked after by people.
But it was good to see a friend, one of the more colorful characters on the streets.
He was very eager for the food we brought which is always good to see.
I always enjoy sitting and having conversations with people, i think getting down and sitting with them brings a sense of equality to the situation and takes away the "task" mentality and it becomes friends enjoying the company of friends.

Fatboy had a request of us, he had a camera he had been taking photos on, a small disposable camera and wanted Duncan specifically to develpo the photos, none of us were to enthusiatic about the entire idea, probably through fear of what would be seen when they were developed.
But then one of the new cabs off the rank Luke, just stepped in and offered to get them developed, a touching move from one of the new boys.

I (Trent) had the week previous offered to by a friend of mine (on the street) a blanket. With every person we met they all asked if they could have it. I felt liek such a tease at this point, here i was carrying this blanket and denying them it.
It was a reckless move on my part, one taht had come from a good place but the out workings were not exectued properly.
This got me thinking, there is such need on the streets, there is such yearning, for so many things.
We cant possibly fill every cup, but Mother Teresa said "If you cant feed 100 then just feed 1"
I enjoy this, this freeing quote i think held with scripture it illustrates a brilliant point so i looked towards Luke 10:30-35

30In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. 35The next day he took out two silver coins[a] and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'

Now this samaritan did so much for this man, he pitied him, he bandaged him, gave him his donkey and walked, took him to an Inn and cared for him.
I am reminded of this passage because, there was so much more to be done, this man was obviously in dire need, and although the Samaritan did so much he didnt do everything, he put him up for a night, not two nights, not a week not a year.

As followers of Christ, we are not called to devote ourselves to people, but to God, to Gods purpose concerning His people.
We do nothing for them, we do this for Christ, to bring Glory.
(this is not necessarily the view of Jesus for the Homeless)
We are to be driven by scripture, not by the hurt of the world.

We met a few more people that night, Chris (C-Dub) and Joel were hanging outside the salvation army.
Chris remembered me which was a wonderful experience, then he began to talk and talk he did. About all kinds of things, happenings in his life, he informed us that he hadnt used any drugs, glue, petrol, smokes, alcohol from Christmas day till New Years day.
To which we were all thoroughly impressed, being on the streets it is impossible to not resort to substance abuse but Chris had denied himself over what must have been a very lonely period.

As we talked to Chris and Joel, we were subject to some brilliant pearls of wisdom, i wished i had a pen and paper there to record this intimate knowledge of the streets from a man who had been there for forty two years.
As the conversation went on i asked Chris "Chris, what is it you guys need here, what is it we can do for you"
To which he replied "We need friendship... we need people to look at us and not think they are looking at dirt, we need people to do what you guys are doing, come and see us and live with us, come and spend a few days and a few nights with us, then you will know"
I was moved by what he said, he had confirmed what were many thoughts buzzing around my mind.
We usually in this world only see action for a cause when that cause is close to home. Many families who lose a family member to cancer take up fundraising for cancer research.
They do so because cancer is real for them, the experiences they have they dont want anyone to have to go through the same thing.
It is the same with other causes, once we put a face toe the homeless situation in out own city that is when it breaks hearts and we do something about it.
So i encourage you, get out this week, make these people friends to you and be hurt for them as Christ hurts for us.

"Poverty ends when strangers become neighbours, neighbours become friends, and friends become family"
Trent

Dark Side Of The Moon

Lately, with being so excited about the prospect of moving to Ngaruawahia to start my... whatever its called.
I have been so amazed by my people, by my ancestry, my whakapapa, my whanau.
I have been so proud to call myself Maori, even all my life.

But today, today was different.
An Auntie of my Fathers died one year ago, and as a custom Maori have an unveiling of a tombstone one year after the death of the person.
That was today, and we had the unveiling at a relatives house (I assume we are related)
It started out fine, talking, kisses, hugs, kisses, talking, kisses, the inevitable "you've grown so tall" lines started to roll out as if by some mystical stop watch.

But then to my left, a marijuana plant, 1.5 meters high, to my right cigarettes and their slaves, alcohol and its servants.
It was the side of my people that the world sees and reinforces.
I had been so enamored by the beauty of Parihaka and the pride of my people that i was beginning to become blind to the present day failings of my people.

"Auntie sets out the table, a tablecloth from before i was born.
seven different kinds of plastic chairs
Ash trays next, dusty as antiques
the warranty long void.

Don't forget, boxes upon boxes of beer Auntie
A Sprinkle of bottle caps, Cigarette buts in the hand of the hapu women
As we sing songs of our people
Our people sing songs of mourning
For those
Who sing, smoke, drink and die"

I don't mean to demean my people as thugs, smokers, drinkers etc
But that is a scar we bear, to their credit there are those among them who are a well spring of hope.

Auntie Nai, curses the cigarettes in their hands and the drink in their glass
While loving the hands that hold the poison
Whilst embracing the arms, and taking a kiss from the lips.

There is hope, in the face of reality.
My people are a brilliant canvas, marred by scars.
Illuminated by greatness.

Mark Chapter 1

My friend Blair and I have decided that we are going to go through the Gospel of Mark in a bible study, and possibly more Gospels too.
So I've decided to record what I find, and interesting points Blair brings up also.

Mark 1

I enjoy the beginning of this book, i enjoy how the reference to the old testament is immediate, the fulfilling of prophecy, also the part where John is baptising and then says "After me will come one more powerful than I,
the thongs of whose sandals i am not worthy to stoop down and untie, I baptise you with water but he will baptise you with the holy spirit.

Then we see Jesus being baptised and the holy spirit coming upon him then it says "At once the spirit sent him out into the desert"
It wasn't a time of rejoicing in Gods presence,there was no back to his ordinary life from this point straight from baptism the battle began, Jesus compelled by the Holy spirit goes into the desert alone for forty days.
Temptation set in, not only temptation but the actual presence of satan himself.
The popular view of Satan is horns pitchforck etc, i perhaps think that in this scenario, he was much more appealing, I believe that Satan appeared to the human eye at least, a very attractive person, very charismatic, very smooth.
I think to anyone of us he would have seemed logical, appealing.
But Jesus remains unfazed by it. Other books go into more detail than this one and there are reasons for that i believe none that i can remember at present.

I love this part because, his life prior had been training for what he must do, prior to his baptism was all his apprenticeship for this moment, not only that, as soon as his apprenticeship is over, he goes straight to work, no holiday, no time off, no preperation but straight into the desert... Brilliant.

Again the immediacy of the actions in this chapter i love, Jesus meets Simon and Andrew casting a net into the lake.
At Jesus' request they leave their boat, net (which is in the water) and follow him.
I think this is a great metaphor... the net is opportunity, they had the opportunity to draw in their net, take what they could and follow Jesus.
But they cared nothing for what they had with them. They at the words of Christ, merely the words and presence of Christ got out of a boat, leaving it unattended and followed him.

The same with James and John, they are in the boat with their father, they leave their own father to follow their lord.
Without two words, i wonder if sometimes we place to much focus on our families, believing that serving them is serving God, i think the same can be said of relationships, i think we emphasise the importance of our romantic partners.

Something a friend said to me once was "My wife and I love each other, we love our children and are a close family, but we will never live for one another, we will always live for God"
(Part of a brilliant book he wrote on the Cost of Christian mission "Costly Mission" http://www.michaelduncan.org/pages/books/summary_of_books)
I think this is the kind of lifestyle choice that James, John, Simon and Andrew choose, i wonder if we are willing to do the same.

Perhaps my favourite part of this chapter is in the next verses, where the people in the synagogue are amazed at Jesus because "he taught them as one who had authority"
i love this part
Because there is a distinct difference between power & authority, power is given by position, e.g. prime minister, president, CEO, all those kinds of things, you get to talk because of where you are in the ladder.
Jesus speaks with Authority... with understanding, he is listened to because he comes from a place of respect.
Its the same reason people listened to people like Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr, Mahatma Gandhi it was because of the life they led before the words, their words mirrored their actions.
If a person who had never ever had a drink before in his life told you about hte dangers and costs of drinking, you wouldnt listen to him and rightly so.

If a person who had experienced loss pain and suffering because of drinking spoke to you about it you would be far more inclined to listen.
And its for this same reason that Jesus was listened to, because he had been in the desert for forty days being tempted, people listened.
Because he had credibility to his claims.

This chapter also combines the elements of missional life, acts of service, so this is the healing, the preaching and the walking, especially walking.
its so wonderful because Jesus didn't just sit around, he walked everywhere, headed towards his goals all the time.
Until prayer, In this chapter Jesus is constantly moving until prayer.
He stops for prayer.
He goes from being the center of attention in verses 29-34 to being alone in verse 35.
He approaches the poor and sick (man with leprosy) and cares about him the scripture says "filled with compassion Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man"
What beauty, a man with leprosy, a disease which transfers through contact, and this man touches a leper.
What a man.
His companions must have thought he was insane, but he cared enough about this other man to do him the dam decency of physical contact.

Its a beautiful chapter i think.

Nga Rua Wahia #2

Today i had lunch with a good friend and mentor of mine, Michael Duncan.
He was the lecturer/facilitator of the course I attended last year Intermission.
Michael (Mick) is a brilliant man, one of great poise, understanding, patience, authority.
One string of Mick's bow is his time spent in Manila, in the slums of Manila.
Ten years with a young family in a slum, in horrible conditions living the call of Christ.
I asked him if he would meet with me to discuss my vision of the next 5-10 years of my life.
I told him about how my heart breaks for the stereotypes associated with Maori people, but more so about how Maori accept these stereotypes as truth.
I told him about my passion to change it, to firstly live a life of community, transparency, availability.
All driven by Gospel understanding, and MaoriTanga.

Mick had nothing but positive things to say about this endeavour.
He spoke about formation and destination.
That there are times for forming, collection, learning, experience.
He said that this sounds like a time for forming to him, that the next five years would be an apprenticeship in a hidden ministry (not a glamorous, sexy one); that in the end I would be better for it, and would have the authority to speak on subjects i encountered in my time there.

I love that idea, the idea of Authority, speaking with authority rather than a place of power, in a study my friend Blair and i have recently begun in Mark Chapter 1, the crowd after hearing Jesus preach in a synagogue

21They went to Capernaum, and when the Sabbath came, Jesus went into the synagogue and began to teach. 22The people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law.

Authority, credibility, thats an idea i fell in love with, peoples past representing why people should listen to this. Prior to this verse we see Jesus tempted in the desert for forty days, then immediately people recognise this and understand it.
Something in his voice, something in what he said, how he said it, spoke of so much more than the words he shared.

Mick was very adamant that in order for something like this to succeed, several things need to happen.
1.This must be a Gospel driven venture, prayer rhythms, scripture study, being able to trace why i do what i do to a scriptural basis.
2.Utilise the wisdom and experience of others, keep in contact with people who have done what you are trying to do, and with those close to you in order for accountability, and sustainability.
3.Relationship with Jesus, end of story my relationship with Jesus must be one of progress and purpose.

Mick was very encouraging, then we began to wander through the topics of the world, politics in the church, headlines, life, loss, drama.

I am now renewed, the flame is still lit, and im still fighting.

Trent

Step One

Liberation...

“It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom.”

I think i understand this quote, it was said by Quentin Crisp an English author, i don't really know much about him/her (apparently)
But this quote i understand.
To hear something once is to retain it as knowledge, to understand it is to possess wisdom.
I received a very... liberating email this morning, it was from an old girlfriend of mine.
I had emailed her about some thinking i had been doing over the holiday period.
I had come to the realisation that i hadn't forgiven myself for some things that had occurred between us in our relationship.
Several precocious monkeys on my back, jumping freely, placing pressure on the contours of my mind.
Like an itch that could never be scratched, they tarnished every mirror i ever looked into, i could never see myself, only that failure.
Only that degradation... but as i said.

This email was liberating, i had simply apologised in my email to her, apologised for any bad treatment she had suffered from me.
She replied with an almost... reminiscent tone in her text???
More likely one of wisdom and appreciation, the understanding that the past is the past, but the death of a thing makes it no less beautiful.

She reiterated that she had forgiven me a long time ago.
I think this was the first conversation/communication where the end result has been progressive for me at least.
No matter how often i talked to her (although it wasnt often at all) i would never get anywhere, the same cement shoe problems kept dragging me down.
This was diffferent, as i read the email now it seems as if two friends are simply discussing what was.

Its healing, I thank God for His grace, exemplified no better than in the forgiving words of a young girl.

Its time now to heal, to move forward and believe in myself again, to see a quality person in place of the hazard i used to be.
Step one for 2010 complete :)



See... Free

2010

Awareness of my failings is the drive behind why i must be better

So it is 2010, January the second.
This year is shaping up to be a big one, drastic change in lifestyle, formation of self, all that good stuff.
This year looks to be a year of transformation for me, I'm planning to move out by the end of this year to Nga Rua Wahia to start my journey of discovery about myself, my people, Christ in the midst of another life.
This will be the first year i will have lived by myself in a new town of which i know very little.
The first year I leave the beautiful Aotearoa, I'm going to Australia in the middle of February, i don't know what to expect really having never left Aotearoa before.
I also am going to America this year, as a part of Camp Counselors USA, who run summer camps all over America.
I feel so small, young, insignificant in this scheme of this world so big, a little boy from Aotearoa, the greatest kept secret in the world.

There is this feeling that my hopes and dreams are too big for me to accomplish, this inadequacy i cant escape, i find it hard to settle with this imperfect self in sight of a perfect God.
I haven't found an answer to that yet, a remedy to settle my unsettled soul.
I look at what i want from myself, and for the world and there is a dissonance.

I was up at my friend Lance's family's batch this summer, in Matapouri and most nights Lance and I would go to pebble bay to check our cell phones (it was the only place that got reception) as we do we always try to have a chat there.
During one of these chats i realised that a burden i was carrying and willfully so needed to be readjusted.
I used to be in a relationship with a girl named Nicola, needless to say that relationship ended for many reasons but one catalyst, and for so long that catalyst has haunted me, every morning it hooks deep into my gut at twists and turns spreading like yeast through bread, a cancer that wont stop growing.
This hatred of myself, of the person i saw in the mirror that day and day after.
That person who i have never been able to forgive.

I hated that reflection, and I haven't been able to shake him.
This is a new part of my mission, i have to learn to accept who i am, my failings, my successes and the reality of this broken shell i walk in that is only held together by the grace rarely seen but never absent from my life.