2010

Awareness of my failings is the drive behind why i must be better

So it is 2010, January the second.
This year is shaping up to be a big one, drastic change in lifestyle, formation of self, all that good stuff.
This year looks to be a year of transformation for me, I'm planning to move out by the end of this year to Nga Rua Wahia to start my journey of discovery about myself, my people, Christ in the midst of another life.
This will be the first year i will have lived by myself in a new town of which i know very little.
The first year I leave the beautiful Aotearoa, I'm going to Australia in the middle of February, i don't know what to expect really having never left Aotearoa before.
I also am going to America this year, as a part of Camp Counselors USA, who run summer camps all over America.
I feel so small, young, insignificant in this scheme of this world so big, a little boy from Aotearoa, the greatest kept secret in the world.

There is this feeling that my hopes and dreams are too big for me to accomplish, this inadequacy i cant escape, i find it hard to settle with this imperfect self in sight of a perfect God.
I haven't found an answer to that yet, a remedy to settle my unsettled soul.
I look at what i want from myself, and for the world and there is a dissonance.

I was up at my friend Lance's family's batch this summer, in Matapouri and most nights Lance and I would go to pebble bay to check our cell phones (it was the only place that got reception) as we do we always try to have a chat there.
During one of these chats i realised that a burden i was carrying and willfully so needed to be readjusted.
I used to be in a relationship with a girl named Nicola, needless to say that relationship ended for many reasons but one catalyst, and for so long that catalyst has haunted me, every morning it hooks deep into my gut at twists and turns spreading like yeast through bread, a cancer that wont stop growing.
This hatred of myself, of the person i saw in the mirror that day and day after.
That person who i have never been able to forgive.

I hated that reflection, and I haven't been able to shake him.
This is a new part of my mission, i have to learn to accept who i am, my failings, my successes and the reality of this broken shell i walk in that is only held together by the grace rarely seen but never absent from my life.